ducky doolittle || seeking joy + wellness while surviving cancer

Waiting For Cancer Treatment / Part 4

I’m doing a little better. I am finding that more peaceful spot inside me where have given in to the fact that life will never be what it was. Things are different now. If I want all the good things life has to offer I must accept the cost. The cost now is that I invite healing professionals into my life. I allow them to touch me. I trust my body, I trust my mind, and I trust them.

Trusting others and allowing them to touch me is no small thing. I have something of a reactive attachment disorder that stems from the neglect and abuse I endured as a child. I was physically abused, I suffered immense medical trauma, I was not touched in positive ways, and I was passed around to different caregivers.

This means that as I grew up I had to learn how to allow people to touch me.  I had to let go of my impulse to injure people who tried to touch me. There are times when my reactions to touch saved my life and there are times today when I still need to talk myself down from what may look to others like irrational behavior.

I don’t think of my natural reactions as a disorder tho. It may feel that way to others, but that just means they have not taken the time to get to know me. Generally, I sum this up by saying I am both instinctually gifted and a little feral.

So yes, I am now looking at healing professionals as teammates and learning to trust them. (Writing this here with mixed intentions, to share with you but also to remind my inner feral self! Ha!)

It has also taken some time to figure how to address the fight inside my body. I have often in my life used the power of my mind to visualize an illness.  I have used my mind to picture the bacteria or pain and talk my body through how to release it and fight it.

Cancer has not been that easy. The mutated cells are also my cells. They are made of me. There are no external invading properties. The flaw exists in my genes. I was having a hard time hating myself or part of me. (Which is kind of awesome, in its own way.)

Then I got a call from the doctor. The CT scan shows there is something on my liver. They don’t know if it is cancer yet. If it is, that’s devastating. It means cancer breached my uterus. If it’s nothing, then no big deal.

A sign that there may be a breach pissed me off. It’s like the mutated cells are bullies, coming after all the healthy cells and organs. And that made it possible for me to visualize this fight. The mutated cells are bullies.

Couple that with having cleared up the mean UTI I was suffering from and the gloves are on. I am fighting bullies, which a very natural thing to do in real life! I don’t hate bullies, I hate their behavior. I want to isolate and remove them from the situation. That is my attitude toward my bully cells.

Ok, enough of my inner blabber.

In other news, I had an MRI yesterday so they could get a good look at my liver. I learned something interesting… A CT scan with IV contrast takes two minutes and destroys my heart. An MRI with IV contrast where I’m stuck in this tightly enclosed tin can for 30 minutes is 1000 times easier for me. The contrast fluid for an MRI does not trigger me. As a crackpot scientist, I found this to be fascinating!

My mother in law is staying with us. She is taking some of the daily tasks off our hands and enduring the emotional labor with us. What a saint. I love her so much. Yesterday she sat at the kitchen table with me and we went over all of the appointments, paperwork, and bureaucratic bullshit together.

We have my medical appointments, insurance junk, my husband has a bunch of care and benefits stuff we are working through at the VA, and we have to get our car registered in NY since we moved here a few months ago. Couple that with my work schedule and I have been swimming. Thank goodness she arrived.

(Photo: Street art of a cat. San Francisco, circa 2007)



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