I Survived. Now What?

These are strange days. I’m a few months into remission and I am spinning in new ways.

There are these moments when I feel elated. Late at night, while walking my dog I will step out of the front door, look up at the stars and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I am still here, with my eyes wide open and able to bask under them.

There are moments when I look over at my husband and feel so deeply connected to him. We survived this together.

I walk up the stairs or sit down on my couch and I am grateful that I can freely move my body without the pain of surgical wounds.

There are the moments when I am driving home from work and I will feel thoughts I had a few months ago driving those same roads. I wondered how much of me cancer had consumed. I ached to get to surgery and get it out of my body. I feared the test results would tell us it had spread. I can’t believe it’s behind now.

I am on the other side of it and I am still stunned. I have survived and life goes on. I am confused by that major interruption. Everything is the same, yet it’s not. I feel overwhelmed at times. Thankful at times. Disgusted by the experience. I am bored at work. Unsure about how committed I should be to the hustle. Not sure what my purpose is. (I am not looking for advice here. Just expressing the truth.) Most of the time I just really fucking happy to be alive.

I have this inner fear that cancer will return. Most people get at least another five years after a bout like mine. But then what? No one really knows. I just monitor every few months (starting this month) and hope for the best.

Nothing has really changed but there is a strange sense of aimlessness now that I met this goal. There is this odd sense of “now what?” I had only planned to survive. I did it. My goals had been so short term. I am still adjusting. These are strange days indeed.


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