I kinda left y’all hanging… My last visit to the doctor was so brutal that I could not even write about it. I can recall every detail and every word exchanged. I choose to spare myself and you the nitty gritty of it all. In […]
Yup… I stepped off the ledge and talk about all sorts of things, including dildos, strap-on harnesses, surviving cancer, and caring for assault survivors. We packed a lot into the conversation!
In town from New York, it’s the triumphant return of renowned sex educator, Blush representative, and MN native Ducky Doolittle! Ducky joined Colleen and Kelly in the GNS studio for a chat about everything from Ducky’s incredible service to sexual assault victims to staying sexual through life’s trials to artisanal dildos. [listen here]
Last month I struggled with a sense of aimlessness. I am now about five months into remission and that feeling still exists to some extent but has been overtaken by a sense of doom. Thankfully I am not moving through my days feeling depressed. I […]
I’m presenting ‘Sex For Survivors: Healing After Trauma’ at Smitten Kitten. There will be limited seats but please know getting there is the hardest part. Once we start, there’s lots of love and ideas for how to squeeze more out of your lovely life. April […]
Howdy! Welcome to my February roundup. You can by the date that I almost missed it this month! Working in the sex toy industry means I get clobbered with work every February by perverted Valentines who need vibrating doo-dads. Bless their hearts. __________YUM__________ I am […]
I must admit, I have a lot of admiration for jessica and her work as an activist and educator. We have shared the stage together on a sex education conference keynote panel. We bump into each other as we present at corporate engagements and industry expos and conferences. […]
These are strange days. I’m a few months into remission and I am spinning in new ways.
There are these moments when I feel elated. Late at night, while walking my dog I will step out of the front door, look up at the stars and feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I am still here, with my eyes wide open and able to bask under them.
There are moments when I look over at my husband and feel so deeply connected to him. We survived this together.
I walk up the stairs or sit down on my couch and I am grateful that I can freely move my body without the pain of surgical wounds.
There are the moments when I am driving home from work and I will feel thoughts I had a few months ago driving those same roads. I wondered how much of me cancer had consumed. I ached to get to surgery and get it out of my body. I feared the test results would tell us it had spread. I can’t believe it’s behind now.
I am on the other side of it and I am still stunned. I have survived and life goes on. I am confused by that major interruption. Everything is the same, yet it’s not. I feel overwhelmed at times. Thankful at times. Disgusted by the experience. I am bored at work. Unsure about how committed I should be to the hustle. Not sure what my purpose is. (I am not looking for advice here. Just expressing the truth.) Most of the time I just really fucking happy to be alive.
I have this inner fear that cancer will return. Most people get at least another five years after a bout like mine. But then what? No one really knows. I just monitor every few months (starting this month) and hope for the best.
Nothing has really changed but there is a strange sense of aimlessness now that I met this goal. There is this odd sense of “now what?” I had only planned to survive. I did it. My goals had been so short term. I am still adjusting. These are strange days indeed.