Quick post as I have limited energy. Forgive my typos, I’ll try to clean them up once I have more wits. On surgery day I went from being emotionally distressed to terror as they started popping the IV in my arm, to absolute physical trauma. I came to in […]
Surgery happens this Friday. Now there is a low hum of nervousness that constantly resonates out of my chest. It started yesterday and is so real that I can damn near touch it and see it. I wish I could make it stop. The thing that I have been asking for and not wanting is almost here. It’s inevitable.
It does not help that I can’t drink tea until after surgery. I have no problem with the other restrictions in part because my foods and drinks are already so fucking healthy. I don’t do any medications, no alcohol, coffee, soda… I do however like my ritual of tea in the morning. Grrrr…. I did find some almond milk eggnog, so I have been heating that up in the morning. Seems to me tea would be a million times better for me, but I give the doctors what the doctors want.
It’s been an interesting experiment in boundaries to put this whole thing out on the internet and write about my feelings and experiences. It has allowed those who are close to me to understand what I am feeling. (I don’t verbalize this stuff much.) It has allowed those who don’t know but care about me to express their love and cheer me on. It has brought a number of strong survivors into my life and threads. And it has brought a few thoughtless fools. I don’t think they mean any harm, but the things people say sometimes is so inappropriate.
Generally, the only things that irritate me are people giving me advice on what I should have done to prevent cancer. IT’S FUCKING GENETIC. It’s not about my behavior and it’s not my fault. So those people can go fuck themselves.
And then people make flip comments about my reproductive organs being removed. Things like how my uterus “It was a baby maker and now it’s a playpen.” WTF? Gross.
Or how I don’t really need these organs anyway. Umm… A women needs her ovaries and cervix at the very minimum. Ovaries produce feel-good hormones. A cervix is also a sexual nerve center that plays an important part in pleasure for many people. We can live without them, but we’d have a better life with them. Let’s remove any part of you and tell you “it’s ok… you can live without it.”
Let’s not forget that fact that even if I do not have children that does not mean I do not want children. I have always looked at myself as a future mother. When I was young I purposely sought to not have children because I was in poverty and did not have a partner I trusted enough to reproduce with. I could just barely care for myself and refused to have a child I could not care for.
Of course, poor people are allowed to have children– they just can’t always give them the best lives. Gandhi (he was a disgusting creature in the way he treated women and children, but he said and did some good things in his life) said if poverty was an excuse to not have children, there would be no children in India. I say never disparage a poor person who has children and is doing their damn’dest to give them a good life. I just chose to wait.
Anyway, once I was married I experienced more miscarriages than I care to share. This little body just would not carry a baby. I could have gone the medical route and tried to force my body to carry a child. I made the choice to respect my body and allow it to be just as it is.
It also helps that I know I can foster and/or adopt children. I grew up in foster homes. I know the reality of that world. There are good children out there who need homes. Some of these kids may be mine? I don’t know yet. At some point, my husband and I will buy a house and then we can see how we feel about that.
Reproduction may be limited to some of us but children are always available. I wish more people would get their fucking instincts and egos out of the way and consider fostering kids. Giving foster children and teens homes, even if they can’t keep them forever.
Anyway, opening myself up to the world has also opened up doors for strangers to say things that don’t sit well. Here’s a good guide to what to say to someone who is diagnosed with cancer.
And please enjoy this video of B movie monsters destroying shit. I understand them.
Still managing to keep my head in a good place. I have these passing panicked thoughts about surgery and incisions and losing part of my body to cancer. I am getting pretty good at setting them aside. The mind is a funny thing, you can play honest […]
I’m making a list…
- My brother’s wedding
- Getting new tattoos with my husband when we get our no evidence of disease report
- Going back to martial arts
- Learning how to do aerial yoga
- Plotting my spring garden (I’m planting/learning to grow more food next year!)
- New Deadpool movie (the first one was so good!)
I am a dumb workaholic who tries to do too much every day, hence this note to my future self. I’ll add to this and refer to this to try to keep myself from being an uncontrollable nut after I have my surgery. Wish me […]